Not accepting yourself.

I found a person on forums whose problem resonated in my heart, because i realized i went through the same thing and i know exactly what she or he is feeling.

Anyways her problem as she described was a scar on her face. She is constantly self consciouses of it. At home or in public. At home she can't look in the mirror without feeling bad. In public she cant let go and be herself. It is constantly effecting her feelings, mood and joy. It seems to infiltrate every part of her life.

I am sure many of us can relate to similar problem. For some of us its fat. For some hight. There are many things we are not happy about.

I had similar problem not too long ago. I didn't get over it consciously. I started practicing spirituality and eventually it was gone by itself. This is opportunity for me to look back at life and study what was going on inside of me. Perhaps i will find how i solved it.

First i will study the nature of the problem, it's roots. I realization came to my mind. I remember when i was a little overweight because of depression, i felt just like her but even after i got in shape, i still felt fat. After i got over the fat issue, there was something else. I will not go into it too personal but let us just stop on realization that it is not the "problem" whichever it is, that is causing us the suffering. It is our relationship with it. It is primary Ego problem. More specificly it is the problem with acceptance of ourselves exactly the way we are.

Her scar is not causing her pain or discomfort, she probably can't even feel it. It is her relationship and not accepting it. Now let us look at the world. Many skinny people think they are fat. Many fat people do not admit they are fat and claim if i had 20 more pounds i will be fat! That is what causing the suffering. Not accepting our form the way it is.

Now she might make the mistake of looking at the mirror and saying, "the scar is ugly but i accept it". That is labeling and focusing on bad things about yourself. She might also go to the mirror and say "I am Hot" or "The scar is beautiful, it is just people do not realize it" or something like that. That is all product of ego. Our mission is to not have ego and not encourage it. So the right thing to do in front of mirror is to say "this is my body, this is how my body is and looks, i accept how it is." Notice you do not call yourself hot or ugly, smart or beautiful. You do not label, because labels are only limited perspectives and usually far from truth. Labels are product of the ego or the mind trying to organize everything. That way you simply accept yourself, however you are without getting ego involved. Never take labels you apply to yourself or others seriously. They are just thoughts and just limited perspectives. Whenever you find a label in you for someone else or yourself, simply tell yourself it is just a thought and not important. That way they cant exist and eventually disappear.

Now she admitted she has a problem with judging others. If you judge others, you will judge yourself. If you judge yourself, you will judge others. That is the nature of it. Cure one and the other will disappear. Also practice accepting others. Just how they are. Not trying to control how you perceive them or how everyone looks. Just accept the world the way it is. Surrender to what is.

Now another perspective, remember these are all perspectives. Simply strategies but not what is. Another perspective on it is that we always try to control everything and change everything and upgrade ourselves somehow. If you can change something, do it. If you can't, surrender to it. Suffering comes from trying to control or change something. Letting go can be very liberating and solves most suffering. If there is a scar, let it be. If there is no scar, let it be.

Another perspective on it is that many people involve their bodies directly with their identity. They say "I am the body". Think of your body as just a vehicle of the soul. You are the awareness inside. Stop associating yourself with your body. That is also ego. A guru once said, "just because the body is sick, the mind doesn't have to be." Yes the body can have disease or imperfection. But it is just your body, not you. You are something much more.

Develop a good relationship with your body. A once heard a good analogy. What do you do to train a puppy sitting in one place? You put it in the place and say "stay!". If the puppy runs away, is it a good idea to punish it or cause pain to it? No. We have to patiently pick it up again and put it back and say "stay" again. Eventually the puppy learns. Now our bodies are even harder to train and it does far worse things then just not staying where we tell it to. In meditation we ask it to stay in one place but it wonders of. Do not punish yourself by saying, "i am no good! this and that!". Simply patiently tell your body whats right until it learns. If we don't do it to puppys why should we do it to ourselves. Be gentle to your body and it will be gentle to you.

Another problem might be getting stuck in the future or past. You might try to live in the time when you didn't have the problem, the past. Or in the future thinking about how eventually it will disappear and living all your life waiting for that future. Whenever that happens just focus on awareness of now. Patiently.

Now another problem is probably thinking of whatever imperfection or disease as a bad thing. Think of it as a blessing. Suffering is a great teacher. By having imperfections you learn to accept others and yourself. Let it be your teacher. Imagine being perfect. How much vanity it would bring. How much criticizing others and judging. And you might have never had the chance to realize it is a bad thing to do. Because you would not experience it on yourself.

Another great way to look at it is how one of my favorite monk describes suffering associated with certain life situations. Ajahn Brahmavamso describes changing life situations as simply trading one kind of suffering for another. If you are hot, you have one kind of problems, if you are ugly another. Or sometimes even the same.

You can observe "not accepting" in many models and celebrities. You would think wow if i had that body! I would surely not care. Problem is ego is never satisfied. There will always be someone whose bodies we like more. If we keep comparing, there will be suffering. Celebrities are just as worried about their weight and think they are ugly. The once that are confident in their looks, might find some imperfection in their make up or clothing. A stain on jeans can seem like a scar for that girl to a particular model. The wise choice is to go our of competition of bodies and simply accept everything. The ego always finds something. Yes it may seem like if you only fix "this problem", everything will be fine. But it is simply an illusion. You can have a plastic surgery, but i assure you, your ego will find something else to grab and torture you. It loves that.

Let go you must.